Thursday, 29 December 2011

• Apparition - Non-Verbal Spell

  For those not "In The Know", the above is a Harry Potter spell. And that's about as cultured as this post is going to get.
  
  The rest of this post is going to be a) an apology to myself for not writing, b) a touch and go recount of three months of my life, and c) explicit sexual narration of the erotic trist which occured between Minerva McGonagall and I last october. I won't shy away from details, but I probably will replace things like "enormous throbbin man meat" with "cucumber", as in "she had ten cucumbers piercing her from all directions."
  
  As for me, I've been pretty well. Rather than the usual stream of constant endorphines and sparkle happy time I've been teeter tottering between usual human emotions as of late; something I'm going to largely blame on not writing (My Personal Therapist). I don't generally think of myself as emotionally unstable, but there comes a point (between throwing dishes at the floor and driving your car into a bus full of kids) where you have to go "I should take a few steps back." So I'm considering the end of December my few steps back, so I can re-appreciate everything incredible in my life and also stop punching cats as a release.
  
  AND SO
  
  : OCTOBER :
  
  In which Minerva McGonagall and I practice Levioso-ing each other's genitalia.
  
  This month is usually one of my favorite months in that I get to panic for three weeks straight about having a good costume. This year's panic session involved many late night sessions on josh's bed involving google image searching for "famous duos", "famous trios", and "Minerva McGonagall's Taught Breasts". At some point inspiration struck, and Hansel, Mugatu, and Derek Zoolander made their way into the living world - complete with blond curls, leather corsets, and a derelicte outfit made out of ten pounds of black electrical tape.
  
  In addition, Josh and I tailored our first set of matching pajamas. They were at once both beautiful and boyish, typical of "The Jeffoshes", or so we like to call ourselves. We are *so* the jeffoshes. THIS IS AN INSIDE JOKE
  
  I also wrote down "gears of war" a lot in my calendar this month. This is in no way sad.
  
  : NOVEMBER :
  
  In which Minerva McGonagall and I Serpensortia and Engorgio all night long.
  
  Location: Away.
  
  First was the family trip to Vegas to celebrate my sister's wedding, or as I like to call it, "A weekend where I wasn't the center of attention, you bitch." It was completely full of booze and gambling as my family is proudly a bunch of alcoholic messes and at no point during the four day trip was I 100% sober. Boyscout Badge. Also my two sisters were beyond words gorgeous during the wedding itself, and the husband was "okay" in that he "looked attractive enough to steal my sister away from me." Also on this trip neither Josh nor JP came, which was terrible but also kinda great.
  
  Second was the boyfriend and I escaping to Portland, city of constant rain and sex shops. I don't exactly remember what all we did there, but I'm pretty sure one night involved a naked old man parading himself around a bear bar while porn was being played on no less than four big screens. Also at some point Nick was wearing high heels and a tiara, too drunk to walk, getting a leg massage from a large black lesbian with no hair. Also JP and I didn't have sex *once* and I I physically thought my testicles were going to explode.
  
  : DECEMBER :
  
  In which Minerva McGonagall FistioAssoses my butt.
  
  This month started out POWERFUL with a stint in Jury Duty. Verdict: Guilty, death sentence. Second Verdict: A lot of fun!
  
  Then even MORE EXCITING with a few rounds of physical therapy, better known as "here are some workouts, I'm gonna watch you do them." Aparently my knee is messed up because my legs are simultaneously too tight and not muscly enough. Which makes sense, because, come on, this ass don't stop.
  
  And then the usual holiday dance arrived, with Josh and I entertaining eachother for almost a week straight while JP was gone; buying presents, playing farmvil....DRAGONVALE, singing to lana del rey on repeat. Winning at "video gamessszzz." The family was great, the presents: spectacular, and I finally got around to cleaning up my room from november, only to cover it in wrapping paper and glitter again.
  
  : POTPOURRI :
  
  In which Minerva McGonagall takes the shape of Potpourri and kindly scents my house.
  
  JP still hasn't been lucky enough to get a job. He gained unemployment (ie: getting a gift no one wants) and is lucky to be a warrior man cause I know I couldn't handle it. It's been kinda straining on us in a few tangential ways, but all in all things are still pretty storybook wonderful. Until my ass turns back into a pumpkin, at which time HO HO jokes on you sucker.
  
  Josh has been getting showered in gifts from an old boyfriend, who also already gave me the cold shoulder once at the salon. So that's a whole deal I like to bitch about for no reason. But we also all made paper snowflakes together and successfully hung out, which is super, so maybe things will not be terrible this time around.
  
  Scott said his junk smelled gross yesterday and I told him to stop having sex with girls, which is a pretty funny joke.
  
  Minerva is still as sensual as a tiger in the sack.
  
  AND THAT'S IT, RICTUSEMPRA

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